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07/27/2007
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41. Robert Goulet
EPISODE: “$pringfield” (Season 5)
EXCUSE FOR APPEARANCE: After Mr. Burns opens a casino, Bart decides to open his own – in his treehouse, no less – and convinces Robert Goulet that his local booking is actually at his place.
| Robert Goulet: Are you sure this is the casino? I think I should call my manager.
Nelson: Your manager says for you to shut up! Robert Goulet: Vera said that? Huh. |
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Sideshow Bob:
The Scary Clown
What time has surely obscured is that when the makers of “The Simpsons” cast Kelsey Grammer to voice the well-educated but artistically slumming Sideshow Bob, Grammer was not a star. His best-known character, Dr. Frasier Crane, was a supporting character on “Cheers” when Sideshow Bob made his “Simpsons” debut, and it would be another three and a half years before Frasier would get his own show. But Grammer’s Q factor, or lack thereof, meant nothing to Matt Groening: all that mattered was that he was the right man for the role, and Grammer rewarded him with a performance so nuanced – and more importantly, funny – that the writers immediately sought ways to bring Sideshow Bob back on the show, which was no mean feat since Bob’s first episode ends with him going to jail for armed robbery.
“The Black Widower” (Season 4)
(Patty, Selma and Sideshow Bob are watching “MacGyver”)
Man: Thank you, Señor MacGyver. You saved our village!
MacGyver: Don’t thank me! Thank the Moon’s gravitational pull.
Selma: That MacGyver’s a genius.
Sideshow Bob: (annoyed) First of all, he’s not a genius. He’s an actor. And second, he’s not much of an actor.
Selma: You’re lying! You’re lying!
Sideshow Bob: No, Selma, this is lying: ‘That was a well-plotted piece of non-claptrap that never made me want to retch.’
Sideshow Bob: (as he’s being taken into custody) I'll be back. You can't keep the Democrats out of the White House forever. And when they get in, I'm back on the streets, with all my criminal buddies! Baaah- hahahahahahaha!
“Cape Feare” (Season 5)
Laywer: Well, what about that tattoo on your chest? Doesn't it say Die, Bart, Die?
Sideshow Bob: No, that's German for ‘The Bart, The!’
Parole Judge: No one who speaks German can be an evil man!
“Sideshow Bob Roberts” (Season 6)
Birch Barlow: Now, you mention some woes there.
Sideshow Bob: Well, you see Birch, I'm presently incarcerated. Convicted of a crime I didn't even commit! Huh! 'Attempted murder.' Now honestly, what is that? Do they give out a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?
Sideshow Bob: (when asked why he rigged the mayoral election) Because you need me, Springfield. Your guilty conscience may force you to vote Democratic, but deep down inside you secretly long for a cold-hearted Republican to lower taxes, brutalize criminals, and rule you like a king. That's why I did this: to protect you from yourselves. Now if you don’t mind, I have a city to run.
Judge: Bailiffs, place the mayor under arrest.
Sideshow Bob: What? Oh yes, all that stuff I did.
“Sideshow Bob’s Last Gleaming”
Sideshow Bob: Oh, must you bray night and day at that infernal television?
Inmate #1: Oh, look who's talking.
Inmate #2: Yeah, Bob, you used to be on this show.
Sideshow Bob: Don't remind me. My foolish capering destroyed more young minds than syphilis and pinball combined.
“Brother from Another Series”
Sideshow Bob: (from the back of a police car) But you can't do this! I saved the children's lives. I'm a hero!
Cecil: Tell them they'll live to regret this.
Sideshow Bob: You'll live to regret this! (Looks at Cecil) Oh, thanks a lot, now I look crazy!
“Day of the Jackanapes”
Sideshow Bob: (Watching Krusty’s imminent death from the rafters of a theater) Well, Krusty, this is your Waterloo. Soon you'll be…Napoleon Blown-apart.
Crew Hand: Ugh. Terrible.
Sideshow Bob: Oh, hush up, Leo!
42. Conan O’Brien
EPISODE: “Bart Gets Famous” (Season 5)
EXCUSE FOR APPEARANCE: When Bart becomes famous for starting the catchphrase, “I didn’t do it,” he’s invited onto “Late Night with Conan O’Brien.”
| Conan O’Brien: Great material. We'll be right back. (Begins to dance to the commercial-cueing music, but stops Bart when he tries to do the same) Sit perfectly still. Only I may dance. | |
43. James Woods
EPISODE: “Homer and Apu” (Season 5)
EXCUSE FOR APPEARANCE: After Homer is fired from the Quik-E-Mart, he’s replaced by James Woods, who’s doing research for an upcoming film role.
| James Woods: (On the phone, while scraping cheese out of a microwave) Tony, you're my agent. You have to do something about this. How can it be the same movie if they've changed my character from a convenience store clerk to a jittery Eskimo firefighter? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hm. Well, actually, that's a pretty good explanation. Now, this is gross, right? This'll be gross points in this new...? Okay. Yeah, 'cause there's monkey…yeah, okay, great. Okay, good, book me a flight, rent me an igloo, and tell those dorks at the Kwik-E-Mart that, boom, I am outta here, I'm a dot, I'm gone, okay? What do you mean I gotta give two weeks' notice? Why, you frickin' no-good mother… (Obscenities are bleeped) …cheese! No, not you; I'm just talking to my oven. | |
44. Kathleen Turner
CHARACTER: Stacy Lavelle, the reclusive creator of the Malibu Stacy doll who Lisa hunts down after hearing the sexist drivel being spouted by the doll.
EPISODE: “Lisa vs. Malibu Stacy” (Season 5)
| Stacy: I may have had things in common with Stacy at the beginning, but 30 years of living her lifestyle taught me some very harsh lessons. Five husbands: Ken, Johnny, Joe, Dr. Colossus, Steve Austin…
Lisa: But if you can learn from Malibu Stacy's mistakes, so can everyone! I'm sure we can think of something together. Come on! Stacy: Not now, I'm...too drunk. |
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45. Buzz Aldrin
EPISODE: “Deep Space Homer” (Season 5)
EXCUSE FOR APPEARANCE: When Homer is selected to be an “average American” astronaut, NASA adds two experienced astronauts to the flight, including Aldrin.
| Buzz Aldrin: (After Homer opens a bag of potato chips on space shuttle) Careful! They’re ruffled! | |
46. James Taylor
EPISODE: “Deep Space Homer” (Season 5)
EXCUSE FOR APPEARANCE: To help with the astronauts’ morale, NASA brings James Taylor into Mission Control to sing Homer, Race Banyon, and Buzz Aldrin a song or two.
| James Taylor: How ya doin', fellas?
Buzz Aldrin: With all due respect, Mr. Taylor, this isn't the best time for your unique brand of bittersweet folk rock. We have a potentially critical situation here. I'm sure you'll understand. James Taylor: Listen, Aldrin, I'm not as laid back as people think. Now here's the deal: I'm going to play, and you're going to float there and like it. |
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47. Winona Ryder
CHARACTER: Allison Taylor, the new girl at school who turns out to be better than Lisa at just about everything.
EPISODE: “Lisa’s Rival” (Season 6)
| Lisa: What's this?
Allison:Oh, it's for the school diorama competition. Lisa: You're finished already? But the competition isn't for weeks! Allison: Lisa, we're talking dioramas. Who could wait? |
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48. James Earl Jones
CHARACTER: an alternate-reality version of Maggie Simpson.
EPISODE: “Treehouse of Horror V” (Season 6)
| Maggie: (After plunging an axe into the back of Groundskeeper Willy) This is indeed a disturbing universe. | |
49. Meryl Streep
CHARACTER: Jessica Lovejoy, Rev. Lovejoy’s “bad girl” daughter who, unsurprisingly, piques Bart’s interest…until, that is, she turns out to be even more of a troublemaker than he is.
EPISODE: “Bart’s Girlfriend” (Season 6)
| Jessica: You're right about everything, Bart. I have been too reckless. From now on, I am going to settle down. (Takes collection plate and dumps its contents into her purse)
Bart: Jessica! What are you doing? Jessica: Well, it takes money to start a new life. Bart: Stealing from the collection basket is really wrong! Even I know that. Jessica: Fine. You just lost your cut. |
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50 – 54. Ted Danson, Woody Harrelson, Rhea Perlman, John Ratzenberger, and George Wendt
CHARACTERS: Sam Malone, Woody Boyd, Carla Tortelli, Cliff Clavin, and Norm Peterson, respectively
EPISODE: “Fear of Flying” (Season 6)
| Homer: Ooh, this looks like a nice friendly place. (Enters bar)
Carla: Sammy, you're too old to go on a date with two twins on the same night you're supposed to marry Diane without Rebecca knowing. Sam: Okay, Carla, I'll make you a bet: if this affects my major league comeback, I'll sell the bar. Norm: Woody, gimme a beer. Woody: I think you've had enough, Mr. Peterson. My chiropractor says I can't carry you home anymore. Norm: Just gimme another beer, you brain-dead hick! (Grabs wine bottle, smashes it, holds it by the neck) I'll kill you! I'll kill all of you! Cliff: Whoa, settle down, Normy. Gotta save those pipes for karaoke. Homer: Whoa! (Runs out) Norm: (Begins crying) I love you guys! |
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55. Anne Bancroft
CHARACTER: Dr. Zweig, a therapist who helps Marge get over her fear of flying.
EPISODE: “Fear of Flying” (Season 6)
| Zweig: (After Marge reveals how, as a child, her classmates taunted her for liking The Monkees)Kids can be so cruel.
Marge: But it's true. They didn't write their own songs or play their own instruments. Zweig: The Monkees weren't about music, Marge. They were about rebellion, about political and social upheaval! |
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56. Patrick Stewart
CHARACTER: Number One, leader of the fraternal organization known as The Stonecutters.
EPISODE: “Homer the Great” (Season 6)
| Homer: And by the sacred parchment, I swear that if I reveal the secrets of the Stonecutters, may my stomach become bloated and my head be plucked of all but three hairs…
Moe: Um, I think he should have to take a different oath. Number One: Everyone takes the same oath. Welcome to the club, Number 908. You have joined the Sacred Order of the Stonecutters who, since ancient times, have split the rocks of ignorance that obscure the light of knowledge and truth. Now let's all get drunk and play ping pong! |
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57. Dick Cavett
EPISODE: “Homie the Clown” (Season 6)
EXCUSE FOR APPEARANCE: after going through Krusty’s Klown Kollege, Homer gets farmed out to appear as Krusty at the Cable ACE Awards, where he presents an award alongside Cavett.
| Dick Cavett: Well, my time's almost up here, so, uh, I'd just like to say...I know Woody Allen.
Homer: And now the winner for the most promising new series on cable: "Old Starsky and Hutches.” Announcer: Accepting the award is the son of the guy who played Huggy Bear. Dick Cavett: (to Homer) Let's walk and talk. I, uh, I have some wonderful stories about other famous people that include me in some way. Homer: Er, can't, I gotta go distract bulls at a rodeo. Dick Cavett: Hey, me, too. We can go together. Homer: Um...no, I'm going a different way than you, Dick. Dick Cavett: Heh, heh, your...churlish attitude reminds me of a time I was having dinner with Groucho and… Homer: Look, you're going to be having dinner with Groucho tonight if you don't beat it. |
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58. Mel Brooks
EPISODE: “Homer vs. Patty and Selma” (Season 6)
EXCUSE FOR APPEARANCE: Homer gets a job as a limo driver, and Brooks is his first passenger.
| Brooks: Wow. Er, officer, this man is making me a little edgy. Could you please give me a ride to the airport?
Chief Wiggum: Well hey, hey! You're Mel Brooks. Sure, I'll give you a ride. Brooks: Thank you. Chief Wiggum: Er, on the way, we can do that, uh, 2000-dollar man thing. Brooks: Mmm... Chief Wiggum: You be Carl Reiner, and I'll be police chief Wiggum. Brooks: Listen, why don't you play Carl Reiner, and let me play police chief Wiggum? I hate Carl Reiner! |
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59. Susan Sarandon
CHARACTER: Bart’s ballet teacher. (Yes, you read that correctly.)
EPISODE: “Homer vs. Patty and Selma” (Season 6)
| Teacher: Ah! And what have we here? A young man maybe who thinks he can be the next Baryshnikov?
Bart: I don't want to be the next anything. I'm only taking this stupid class because they made me. Teacher: So, he has fire in the belly! But it will take more than belly fire to be the next Baryshnikov. Bart: Look, Boris, I think ballet's for sissies. Teacher: Ha ha ha! Ballet is for the strong, the fierce, the determined, but for the sissies, never! Now, put on this fuchiatard: you are a faerie. |
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60. Tito Puente
EPISODE(S): “Who Shot Mr. Burns?” (Season 6 finale, Season 7 premiere)
EXCUSE FOR APPEARANCE: When the city of Springfield becomes flush with new wealth, Tito Puente is brought on as the elementary school’s new music instructor…and is promptly let go, thanks to Mr. Burns.
| Tito Puente: Revenge? Of course. But why wound his body with bullets when I could set his soul afire with a slanderous mambo? | |
61-62. Paul and Linda McCartney
EPISODE: “Lisa the Vegetarian” (Season 7)
EXCUSE FOR APPEARANCE: Lisa becomes a vegetarian, and Apu assures her that there are lots of cool people in the clique…including the former Beatle and his wife, who just happen to be hanging out on the roof of the Kwik-E-Mart.
| Lisa: Wow! Paul McCartney! I read about you in history class. So where's your wife Linda?
Linda: Right here Lisa. Whenever we're in Springfield we like to hang out in Apu's garden in the shade. Paul: We met him in India years ago, during the Maharishi days. Apu: Back then I was known as the fifth Beatle. Paul: Sure you were, Apu. Apu: You know what Lisa? Paul and Linda are vegetarians too. In fact, Linda has her own line of vegetarian entrees. Lisa: Apu, I'm sure the last thing they want to talk about is... Linda: We weren't satisfied with the other vegetarian meals on the market. You'd be surprised how often you find a big hunk of pork in them. Lisa: Ew! Paul: Linda and I both feel strongly about animal rights. In fact, if you play "Maybe I'm Amazed" backwards, you'll hear a recipe for a really ripping lentil soup. |
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