A meeting of the Justice League of America. In, like, 30 years
06/20/2003
Strauss Home / Humor Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
SUPERMAN POUNDS A GAVEL ON A TABLE AT THE FORTRESS OF SOLITUDE.
SUPERMAN:
Attention, attention. This weekly meeting of the Earth's supreme super-beings is called to order.
BATMAN:
Jesus Christ, do you always have to hit that thing on the table so goddamn hard? Why does everything you do have to be so big and loud and showy? "Hey, here I am, Superman, able to bend steel in my bare hands. Watch closely as I stop this speeding meteor from cashing into the earth. Pay close attention as I grab this woman who just fell out of a 100-story building. And check this out as I pound the crap out off my gavel." Jesus. Have you thought about maybe you need a super-hearing aid or something? Cripes, that damn pounding is ringing in my pointy little ears.
FLASH:
Oh my God, you are such a whiner, Bruce.
BATMAN:
Why don't you maybe go take your walker and go run someplace really fast?
FLASH:
I can only imagine the shivers of fear you send through the crime lords of Gotham City when you chase them with your Bat-Cane.
WONDER WOMAN:
Boys, boys, boys. Stop…please. Would it hurt you two to be nice to each other for five minutes? For me? Please? All you two do is fight over nothing. Or argue over who takes stronger arthritis medicine. You're giving me such a headache.
FLASH:
Sorry Diana.
BATMAN:
Sorry beautiful.
WONDER WOMAN:
Oh, kiss my fat ass, Bruce. Will you please stop with the shmaltzy come-on lines already? When are you going to get that when I say, "No, I don't want to see the backseat of the Batmobile," I mean, "No I don't want to see the backseat of the Batmobile."
FLASH:
Does the Batmobile even have a backseat?
WONDER WOMAN:
Goddamn it, the crap I've had to put up with from you over the years, Bruce. I tell you. The cracks about wanting to wrap yourself in my stars and stripes. The begging to "hook you up with other amazon women." The thinly veiled Lynda Carter references. I'm sick of it. Sick of it. Leave me alone.
BATMAN:
I'm sorry. Will you please accept my apology?
WONDER WOMAN:
Fine. Just grow up, okay?
BATMAN:
Okay, okay.
WONDER WOMAN:
Good.
BATMAN:
Hey, how come you don't wear those thigh-high boots anymore? I love those things.
AQUAMAN:
So…does anybody around here have a glass of water?
EVERYBODY LAUGHS.
AQUAMAN:
Thanks. I'll be here all weekend. Try the flank steak.
HAWKMAN STUMBLES INTO THE ROOM.
HAWKMAN:
Wass goin' on superduper heads?
SUPERMAN:
Hawkman, I don't need to use my power of super-sensitive smell to know you reek of alcohol. Again.
HAWKMAN:
Thassaloadacrap. Trus' me, I only had oner two and I'm jus' fine.
FLASH:
Dude, it's like 10 in the morning and you're liquored up. Every time I see you now, you're half in the bag. Are things okay at home?
BATMAN:
We're here to help, pal. Is Hawkgirl giving you a hard time?
AQUAMAN:
Tell me Hawkman, are you feeling henpecked?
EVERYBODY LAUGHS.
AQUAMAN:
Don't forget, I've got two shows in the main lounge every Saturday.
HAWKMAN:
Lissena me. If you hadda fly asmuchas I hadda fly, you'd be doin's sumthin' to take the edge offa lil yerself.
SUPERMAN AGAIN KNOCKS THE GAVEL ON THE TABLE.
SUPERMAN:
Order please!
HAWKMAN:
Vodka and lime. Anmakeitsnappy.
SUPERMAN (IRRITATED):
Quiet, quiet everyone. We've got a lot on the agenda today and we need to get the meeting started now.
FLASH (WHISPERING):
Jeez, what got into his pants?
WONDER WOMAN: (WHISPERING BACK):
Dunno. Lois' dentures, maybe?
SUPERMAN:
First off, I'd like to review last month's meeting. Flash, as acting secretary, could you please read the May minutes?
FLASH:
Sure. Let's see. The meeting was called to order at 8:02 PM. At 8:03, I had to excuse myself because I had issues downstairs, if you know what I mean. I returned to the meeting at 8:53. Meeting adjourned at 8:54.
BATMAN:
You're worthless.
FLASH:
Listen, why don't you go slide down a pole or something.
BATMAN:
So does the comb-over make you more aerodynamic?
FLASH:
Hey, did you really catch that guy last month by throwing dentures at his head?
BATMAN:
From what I hear, running isn't the only thing you used to do quickly.
SUPERMAN AGAIN KNOCKS THE GAVEL ON THE TABLE.
SUPERMAN:
Okay, okay. Enough already. Thanks, Flash, for that thorough report. And now, I'd like to get on to more pressing issues. Primarily, The D.I.C. Directive.
HE TURNS TOWARDS WONDER WOMAN.
SUPERMAN:
Wonder Woman, can you please update us?
WONDER WOMAN:
Well, as you all know, we've noticed a disturbing decline in the need for our services over the last several years, and we've been exploring strategies to give business a shot in the arm.
HAKWMAN:
Shot? Bartender! Putit onmy tab.
FLASH:
I totally know what you're talking about, Diana. I mean, if they call me to chase down some guy who coasts through a stop sign again, I suppose I'll do it. But y'know, after awhile, those kinds of things are, y'know, humiliating for superheroes like us.
SUPERMAN:
Hello? I got called last week because the mayor of Metropolis ran out of propane and wanted to know if I could use my x-ray vision to cook hot dogs for his family picnic.
WONDER WOMAN:
I know, I know. Unfortunately, we've all been forced to take what we can get. Clearly, one of the reasons we've fallen out of favor in the pursuit of justice is the simple fact that all of the character-driven criminals we spent years pursuing are now either retired or dead.
AQUAMAN:
Put out to sea, you might say.
EVERYBODY LAUGHS.
AQUAMAN:
I'm killing 'em, I tell ya. Just killing 'em.
WONDER WOMAN:
The bottom line is, no one's going to call us to get a cat out of a tree, or grab a punk who didn't pay his bus fare. We've always been the guys who saved the day when there was some crazy whack job trying to blow up the Eastern Seaboard or there were a bunch of nutcases evaporating the United Nations Security Council. Unfortunately for us, those people have all moved on with their lives.
FLASH:
It's true. Mirror Master works at Home Depot. Gorilla Grodd is a regional Pepsi distributor….
SUPERMAN:
…Lex OD'ed on Viagra. Mr. Mxyzptlyk made a zillion dollars with those Kryptonite- flavored slush cones….
BATMAN:
…the Joker's a circus consultant. Penguin does voiceover work. And Catwoman got Alzheimer's and basically sits in a chair all day purring at C-Span.
SUPERMAN:
That's too bad. You guys had a good thing there.
BATMAN IS SILENT AND REFLECTIVE AS HE CLEARLY IS HAVING A FOND MEMORY.
SUPERMAN:
She was quite a piece of convictable-ass. Did you ever…y'know…?
AQUAMAN:
…get her all wet?
EVERYBODY LAUGHS.
AQUAMAN:
You think that's funny? Water, you killing me?
EVERYBODY LAUGHS AGAIN.
AQUAMAN:
But seriously, folks.
BATMAN:
Look, I don't kiss and tell.
FLASH:
I'll take that as a no.
BATMAN:
Oh yeah? Well, what would you say if I told you I did her twice.
FLASH:
Sure you did. Where?
BATMAN:
Once in the Batcave. And once in the ass.
HAWKMAN:
Isay that callsferadrinkypoo. Who's buyin?
WONDER WOMAN:
At any rate, about six months ago we initiated our new program, D.I.C.-- the Development of Interesting Criminals Directive. With D.I.C., we felt we had an opportunity to nurture and grow a new breed of unique, evil beings and create a renewed interest in our skills and powers.
HAWKMAN:
Canni half everybuddy's tension, pleez. I'd jusliketa make a toasta the beautiful and talented woman in front ofme…Supergirl.
WONDER WOMAN:
I'm Wonder Woman, you idiot.
HAWKMAN:
Holicrapola! Wunnerwoman is here, too? Where isshe? I luuuuv her. Wunnerwoman? I luuuuuv you. Anni luv yew too, Supergirlie…
SUPERMAN:
Can I please hit him with the Batarang? Would everybody be okay with that?
FLASH:
So…where do we stand on D.I.C.?
BATMAN:
I've heard that about you.
WONDER WOMAN:
Well, we commissioned a design firm out of New Jersey and we now have a work-in-progress prototype being trained to ratchet up the concept of "illegal activity."
BATMAN:
You mean, they're being trained to go from, like, robbing a liquor store to, oh, I don't know, reconfiguring the atmosphere?
WONDER WOMAN:
Exactly.
HAWKMAN:
Liquor? Idon't evun knower.
SUPERMAN:
One punch and I could have this moron on Neptune.
FLASH:
Can we hurry up? I've got an appearance at the annual Flash Convention in Austin this afternoon.
BATMAN:
You sicken me.
FLASH:
You're jealous and bitter.
BATMAN:
Of what? Your ability to vibrate your molecular structure and pass through walls? Or your new name: The Fastest Man Alive Wearing a Diaper.
WONDER WOMAN:
Obviously, as we all know, there are some moral issues involved here. There's a fine line between creating bad for the good of ourselves, and allowing our negative creations to wreak havoc on the world in order to ensure we'll get called in to fix what's wrong.
SUPERMAN:
True, that was a big issue when we first got started. But as you'll remember, we all agreed that the depolarization of a planet or two would be worth it if it meant we could step back into the national spotlight again.
BATMAN:
Hey, did anyone else get heartburn from that pizza last week?
SUPERMAN:
Oh, thanks for reminding me. I've got to take my cholesterol medicine and my blood pressure pills before we leave today.
BATMAN:
What's your blood pressure?
SUPERMAN:
130 over 90, which they tell me is pretty good for an alien. But my cholesterol's been a little high lately.
BATMAN:
Watch the eggs. Too many eggs does that too you.
HAWKMAN:
Hey, yaknow what my cholessarol levelis?
BATMAN:
No, what?
HAWKMAN:
Who cares? Gimme a Michelob.
AQUAMAN:
Hey, I hear fish are a good source of protein. At least, that's what the fish tell me.
EVERYBODY LAUGHS.
AQUAMAN:
Thank you, thank you. So…anybody here from the East Side tonight?
WONDER WOMAN:
If I may continue, I'd like to introduce our newest villain. I feel confident in saying that this is the enemy who I think will help to put us back on the map.
HAWKMAN:
Thisis so 'citing. Ithinkineedadrink.
INTO THE ROOM WALKS A REMARKABLY INTIMIDATING-LOOKING BAD GUY.
WONDER WOMAN:
Gentlemen, meet Invince-O-Man. He wears a totally indestructible suit made out of space-age materials. He's equipped with an arsenal of weapons which are built into the fingertips of his gloves. And his brain has been advanced with a micro-procession chip giving him the intelligence of an entire population of super-geniuses condensed into one ultimately powered terror-filled methodical madman. He's Invince-O-Man.
THERE'S TOTAL SILENCE IN THE ROOM.
SUPERMAN:
Jesus.
BATMAN:
Holy crap.
FLASH:
Oy.
HAWKMAN BELCHES.
WONDER WOMAN:
What?
SUPERMAN:
For chrissake Diana. The guy's like, some freaking stud. Look at us. We're old people now. We get up at 4:30 in the morning and wait for the morning paper.
BATMAN:
We love Judge Judy.
FLASH:
I get 10% off at the movies.
HAWKMAN BELCHES.
SUPERMAN:
We can't do what we used to do. I know we've been talking about a new super-villain, but this guy is way over the top. We don't have a chance against him.
BATMAN:
He'll kill us. I was hoping for something maybe a little less intimidating. Like maybe a medium-sized squirrel with a knife.
FLASH:
Me scared.
HAWKMAN BELCHES.
WONDER WOMAN:
Oh, I almost forgot. Here's the beauty of the whole thing: Invince-O-Man doesn't really exist. There's nobody in that suit. It moves by remote control. It's just filled with cork.
SUPERMAN:
Hey, just like Sammy Sosa used to! What a great idea.
BATMAN:
So he's all look and no substance? And we're the ones who spread the story of this creep? This is perfect.
FLASH:
Even I can still chase down an empty bad guy suit. Diana, you're a genius.
HAWKMAN:
Thisisso confusingto me. My headis spinning.
WONDER WOMAN:
It's ideal. All the benefits of a bad guy, without all the hassles of a bad guy. We'll look like heroes again. And the only one's who'll ever know are us.
SUPERMAN:
You're amazing.
BATMAN:
Finally. We're going to be big-time again. Soon, our names will be in the newspapers.
FLASH:
The glory shall return.
SUPERMAN:
The honor.
HAWKMAN:
The free mixed drinks.
SUPERMAN:
This is cause for celebration.
FLASH:
Yeah, let's have a party.
SUPERMAN:
A big party.
WONDER WOMAN:
Sounds great. How about if we go the Bahamas for the weekend? Some amazon friends have a place there.
BATMAN:
Really?
WONDER WOMAN:
We can all go in my invisible plane.
SUPERMAN
Or I could fly.
FLASH:
I haven't been this excited in years. Suddenly, I'm in the mood to party.
AQUAMAN:
Finally, our lives will have porpoise again.
EVERYBODY LAUGHS.
AQUAMAN:
Thanks a lot. Hey, did I mention there'll be two shows on Saturday?
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