Where am I?

Where am I?

Strauss Home / Humor Channel / Bullz-Eye Home

THERE'S A TWENTYISH-YEAR-OLD GIRL WITH A SHAVED HEAD, THREE EARRINGS IN HER LEFT EAR, TWO IN HER RIGHT AND A SILVER BALL PIERCED THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF HER TONGUE STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER:

TONGUE GIRL:

Next in line, please. 

ME: 

Hi.

TONGUE GIRL:

Welcome to Starbucks. How may I help you?

ME:

I'd like a cup of coffee, please.

TONGUE GIRL:

What size, sir?

ME:

I'll take a large, I guess.

TONGUE GIRL:

We don't have a large, sir. 

ME:

Whatever. A medium is fine.

TONGUE GIRL:

We don't have a medium, sir.

ME:

Does your coffee come in a cup?

TONGUE GIRL:

Yes sir. Would you like a tall, a grande or a venti?

ME:

Vini, vidi, vici?

TONGUE GIRL:

Tall, grande or venti?

ME:

You're looking at me like I'm supposed to know what you're saying.

TONGUE GIRL:

Here at Starbucks, a tall is a small.

ME:

I do not want green eggs and ham.

TONGUE:

The grande is our medium-sized drink. And the venti is our large, 20-ounce drink.

ME:

So the tall -- which sounds big -- is actually small. The grande -- which sounds grand -- is bigger than the tall but not quite the biggest. And the venti, which doesn't sound tall or grand, is actually the tallest and grandest of them all. Do I have that right?

TONGUE GIRL:

That's correct. Venti is our largest cup of coffee, sir.

ME:

You have to admit this is a little confusing.

TONGUE GIRL:

Not at all, sir. Tall, grande, venti. 

ME:

If I walked into McDonald's and asked for a grande cup of coffee, would they know what I was talking about?

TONGUE GIRL:

No sir. 

ME:

Burger King?

TONGUE GIRL:

No sir.


ME:

Denny's?

TONGUE GIRL:

No sir.

ME:

Boston Market?

TONGUE GIRL:

Do they serve coffee at Boston Market?

ME:

I have no idea.

TONGUE GIRL:

Tall, grande, venti. It's not that hard, sir.

ME:

For a zillion years, a large cup of coffee has been called "a large cup of coffee." Why does it have to change now? Why is this the only place on earth where a large cup of coffee isn't called a large cup of coffee, but instead it's called a venti cup of coffee?

TONGUE GIRL:

Because here at Starbucks, it's called a venti cup of coffee.

ME: 

I see. Well then, I'll have a venti cup of coffee.

MEANWHILE…

A GUY WITH A PURPLE MOWHAWK AND A NOSE RING IS ALSO STANDING BEHIND THE COUNTER NEXT TO THE GIRL WITH THE SHAVED HEAD, THREE EARRINGS IN HER LEFT EAR, TWO IN HER RIGHT AND A SILVER BALL PIERCED THROUGH THE MIDDLE OF HER TONGUE. HE'S HELPING PEOPLE IN THE LINE NEXT TO ME.

MOWHAWK GUY: 

May I help the next person in line?

THE GIRL IN THE LINE NEXT TO ME STEPS UP.

GIRL:

Yes, I'd like a nonfat decaf tall Macchiato, double shot of espresso, extra whip in a venti cup, please.

THE MOWHAWK GUY TURNS AND SHOUTS TO THE ASIAN GIRL WITH THE PIERCED EYELID WHO'S RUNNING ALL THE MACHINERY.

MOWHAWK GUY:

I need a non-D Mach, espresso squared, twin whip in a venti!

PIERCED-EYELID ASIAN GIRL:

Coming up!

I TURN TO THE GIRL IN THE LINE NEXT TO ME.

ME: 

What did you order?

GIRL:

A nonfat decaf tall Macchiato, double shot of espresso, extra whip in a venti cup.

ME:

I know. I mean, what is that?

GIRL:

It's a nonfat decaf tall Macchiato, double shot of espresso, extra whip in a venti cup.

I GET THE "YOU ARE SO RETARDED" LOOK.

ME:

E pluribus unum?

GIRL:

What?

MEANWHILE…

TONGUE GIRL:

So what kind of coffee would you like, sir?

ME: 

Oh, just a regular coffee is fine.

THE TONGUE GIRL STARES AT ME.

ME: 

There's no such thing as regular coffee at Starbucks, is there?

TONGUE GIRL:

Well, what kind of coffee do you like?

ME: 

Hot.

TONGUE GIRL:

Mild, smooth or bold?

ME:

Yes.

TONGUE GIRL:

Sir, here at Starbucks, we strive to offer an eclectic taste of coffees to our guests.

ME:

I'm a guest?

TONGUE GIRL:

Yes, sir.

ME:

I know you don't want to hear this, but I just want a large cup of coffee.

TONGUE GIRL:

Sir, all of our coffees are listed on the menu board behind me.

ME:

I've never seen a coffee menu before. Is it like, appetizers: coffee. Main course: coffee. Dessert: coffee. Hey, try our special of the day: coffee.

TONGUE GIRL:

Our menu features all of the coffee and specialty drink options we offer our guests.

ME:

Guests like me.

TONGUE GIRL:

Exactly. For example, we have a mild Colombia Narino Supreme, A Lightnote Blend, our Organic Shade Grown Mexico or Kona. Or, you could try one of our smooth flavors such as Arabian Mocha Java, Espresso Roast and Yukon Blend.

ME:

I had no idea yukon make coffee in Alaska.

TONGUE GIRL:

Excuse me?

ME:

Nothing. I'm just amusing myself.

TONGUE GIRL:

And our bold flavors are Gulf Coast Blend, Komodo Dragon Blend, Sumatra, Sulawesi and Ethiopia Sidamo.

ME:

Do they make a decaf Ethiopian Skinny?

TONGUE GIRL:

Excuse me?

ME:

Nothing. I'm just amusing myself.

TONGUE GIRL:

Also, our flavor of the day is Pumpkin Spice.

ME: 

No seeds?

TONGUE GIRL:

No seeds.

ME:

Is there a face carved out of the side of the cup?

TONGUE GIRL: 

No.

MEANWHILE….

THE ASIAN GIRL WITH THE PIERCED EYELID HOLDS UP A DRINK SHE JUST MADE.

PIERCED-EYELID ASIAN GIRL:

I have a nonfat decaf tall Macchiato, double shot of espresso, extra whip in a venti cup.

THE GIRL WHO WAS IN LINE NEXT TO ME:

That's mine. 

I TURN TO THE GIRL.

ME: 

Enjoy your drink. And writ of habeus corpus.

SHE LEAVES WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE.

MEANWHILE…

I TURN TO THE OLD, NORMAL LOOKING GUY IN THE LINE NEXT TO ME. 

ME:

Is it me, or are the people in this place a little crazy?

OLD GUY:

Uh huh.

THE MOWHAWK GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER SPEAKS.

MOWHAWK GUY:

May I help the next person in line, please?

THE OLD, NORMAL LOOKING GUY IN THE LINE NEXT TO ME STEPS UP.

OLD GUY: 

Yes, I'll take a short non-fat Caffe Latte with no foam and a shot of Hazelnut. 

THE MOWHAWK GUY SHOUTS TO THE ASIAN GIRL WITH THE PIERCED EYELID.

MOWHAWK GUY:

I need a short no fat/foam latte with a nut!

PIERCED-EYELID ASIAN GIRL:

Coming up.

I TURN TO THE OLD GUY.

ME:

You're one of them, aren't you?

THE OLD GUY LOOKS STRAIGHT AHEAD.

MEANWHILE….

I TURN BACK TO THE TONGUE GIRL.

ME: 

Oh, I don't know. I guess I'll try that Sumatra thing you talked about. A large. 

TONGUE GIRL:

You mean venti.

ME:

Venti, por favor. That's Spanish for please.

TONGUE GIRL:

I'm aware of that, sir.

ME:

I just wanted to let you know you Starbucks people aren't the only one who have different words for things.

TONGUE GIRL:

Merci.

ME: 

What?

TONGUE GIRL:

So then you'd definitely like a venti Sumatra? 

ME:

Exactly. What you said.

THE TONGUE GIRL TURNS TO POUR MY COFFEE. I POINT AT THE ASIAN GIRL WITH THE PIERCED EYELID.

ME: 

Hey, why don't you shout my drink order out to her like he does?

TONGUE GIRL:

Because for a regular coffee drink, we pour our own coffee, sir.

ME:

I'm feeling a little left out. And I am a guest.

TONGUE GIRL:

Fine.

THE TONGUE GIRL SHOUTS TO THE ASIAN GIRL WITH PIERCED-EYELID.

TONGUE GIRL:

I need a venti Sumatra!

THE PIERCED-TONGUE ASIAN GIRL SHOUTS BACK.

PIERCED-EYELID ASIAN GIRL:

It's brewing. And get your own.

THE TONGUE GIRL LOOKS AT ME.

TONGUE GIRL:

Are you happy?

ME: 

Kinda.

MEANWHILE…

THE PIERCED EYELID ASIAN GIRL HOLDS UP A DRINK.

PIERCED-EYELID ASIAN GIRL:

I've got a short non-fat Caffe Latte with no foam and a shot of Hazelnut.

OLD GUY:

Right here.

THE PIERCED-EYELID ASIAN GIRL HANDS THE OLD GUY HIS DRINK. HE GOES OVER TO THE COUNTER AND POURS HALF THE DRINK OUT. THEN HE POURS COFFEE CREAM IN, TWO SWEET 'N LOWS AND LEAVES. HE ALSO DOESN'T SAY GOODBYE TO ME.

MEANWHILE…

THE MOWHAWK GUY BEHIND THE COUNTER SPEAKS.

MOWHAWK GUY:

May I help the next person in line, please.

UP STEPS A HOT BLONDE IN TIGHT JEANS IN THE LINE NEXT TO ME.

HOT BLONDE:

Yes, I'd like a half decaf skinny grande Mocha Valencia, doppio espresso foamless with wings.

THE MOWHAWK GUY SHOUTS TO THE ASIAN GIRL WITH THE PIERCED-EYELID.

MOWHAWK GUY:

I need a number 2!

PIERCED-EYELID ASIAN GIRL:

Got it. Number 2 coming up!

I TURN TO THE HOT BLONDE IN THE TIGHT JEANS.

ME: 

Good choice. That's one of my favorite drinks. I usually get that when I come here. 

BLONDE:

I love this place.

I STICK MY HAND IN POCKET. THE HAND WITH THE WEDDING RING.

ME:

Me, too.

HOT BLONDE:

I've never seen you here before.

ME:

Oh, y'know. I'm a busy, jet-setting kind of guy. I pop in. I get my Starbucks. I go. 

HOT BLONDE:

So what did you order?

ME:

Oh, I got my other favorite here. That Kama Sutra coffee drinky-thing.

THE HOT BLONDE TURNS AND STARES STRAIGHT AHEAD. SHE SHAKES HER HEAD IN DISGUST.

HOT BLONDE: 

Pervert.

ME:

I mean, the Sumatra.

IN SILENCE, I TAKE MY HAND OUT OF MY POCKET. THE HAND WITH THE WEDDING RING.

MEANWHILE…

TONGUE GIRL:

It'll just be a minute, sir.

ME: 

Not a problemo. That means...

TONGUE GIRL:

...problem?

ME:

Correctamundo. So, did that hurt?

TONGUE GIRL:

Did what hurt?

ME:

That tongue thing.

TONGUE GIRL:

No, not really. It was important for me to do it, though.

ME:

Why?

TONGUE GIRL:

I needed to celebrate my individuality and distance myself from the mainstream population.

ME:

I understand. Hey, where did you get those pants?

TONGUE GIRL:

The Gap at the mall. Why?

ME: 

No reason.

TONGUE GIRL:

Here's your coffee, sir.

ME:

Thanks. Hey, what's that white thing?

TONGUE GIRL:

That white thing right there?

ME:

Yes. What is that?

TONGUE GIRL:

That would be a coffee lid, sir.

ME:

Well, I know it's a lid outside of Starbucks. What do you guys call it?

TONGUE GIRL:

We call it a lid.

ME:

A lid. That's it?

TONGUE GIRL:

That's it.

ME:

Not a liddio? Or El Topico? Or Le White Plasticia Thingio on de Cuppia?

TONGUE GIRL:

No sir. It's a lid.

ME:

So if I asked you for a Cap for my cappuccino, you wouldn't know what I was talking about, would you?

TONGUE GIRL:

No, sir.

ME:

If I said, "Give me a double mocha grande latte with a hat," you wouldn't have any idea what I was saying, would you?

TONGUE GIRL:

Do you wish to speak to management about your new word suggestions for a coffee lid, sir?

ME:

Are you saying I could have a face-to-face interaction with the Starbuckular Chieftan?

TONGUE GIRL:

Whatever you say, sir.

ME:

I like this whole new language thing.

TONGUE GIRL:

I can tell.

MEANWHILE...

THE PIERCED EYELID ASIAN GIRL HOLDS UP A DRINK.

PIERCED-EYELID ASIAN GIRL:

I've got a half decaf skinny grande Mocha Valencia, doppio espresso foamless with wings.

THE HOT BLONDE IT THE TIGHT JEANS STEPS UP.

HOT BLONDE:

That's mine.

THE HOT BLONDE TAKES HER DRINK. SHE THEN TAKES A SIP, AND LICKS A DRIP FROM THE SIDE OF HER CUP. SHE THEN LOOKS AT ME AND EITHER MOUTHS THE WORDS "I'D LIKE TO SHARE MY HALF DECAF SKINNY GRANDE MOCHA VALENCIA WITH YOU, HOT MARRIED GUY", OR "YOU SUCK." I CAN'T BE SURE. SHE ALSO LEAVES WITHOUT SAYING GOODBYE.

MEANWHILE...

THE TONGUE GIRL IS RINGING UP MY ORDER:

That's $1.73, sir.

ME:

That's a lot of money for a cup of coffee.

TONGUE GIRL:

It's a venti Sumatra, sir. It's not just coffee. It's a special Starbucks blend.

ME:

So are you.

TONGUE GIRL:

That's $1.73, sir.

ME:

Thanks for your help. This has been a most interesting and educational experience here for me at Starbucks. I never knew getting a cup of coffee could be so educational.

TONGUE GIRL:

I'm glad you enjoyed the Starbucks experience, sir. I hope to see you again some time.

ME:

I doubt it.

TONGUE GIRL:

I know.

ME:

When you call Domino's, do you ask for a venti pizza?

TONGUE GIRL:

I don't eat pizza, sir.

ME:

That whole pepperoni stuck in the metal-ball-in-the-tongue-thing, huh?

TONGUE GIRL:

May I help the next person in line, please?

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