Thankful. And grateful for it
07/19/2002
Strauss Home / Humor Channel / Bullz-Eye Home
I have so much to be thankful for in life.
I have a good job.
I have a nice house.
I have caller ID so I know that I shouldn't answer the phone because I can see it's the guy who's calling for like the tenth time about my unpaid Visa bill.
Like I'm the only one, for chrissakes.
But of all the things I have in my life, the one thing I thank God for everyday is my family.
I thank God everyday for my kids.
Mostly though, I thank God everyday for my wife.
Dear God,
Thank you for my wife.
Sincerely,
Lane
P.S. When can I expect those lottery numbers? Just wondering.
My wife is my hope, my love, my inspiration. Without her, my life wouldn't be complete.
She's brought so much happiness and understanding to me, I don't know if I can ever repay her.
I'm so lucky to have her.
Which is why today, I'd like to shout to the whole wide world:
Thank God for my wife! Thank God for my wife!
Thank God for my wife!
I mean, if I didn't have her, there's so much I would've missed out on. So much would be lost to me.
If I didn't have my wife, how would I have ever known that my wet towel belongs on the bathroom hook, and not on the bathroom floor?
How would I have ever known that without her? How, I ask. How?
"I'm sick and tired of picking up your goddamn freaking towel," she said. "Is it so freaking hard to pick up a freaking towel and freaking hang it up? You make me freaking sick, do you know that?"
As you might imagine, I was astounded when I heard this.
I have to admit, this picking-up-the-towel thing was a stunning revelation to me.
All that time…my youth…my teenage years…my life as a single man…all that time, I'd left my wet towels on the floor, never once thinking about the ramifications of my actions.
Thankfully, my wife set me straight.
Thank God for my wife.
Because what I'd never thought about -- until now -- was that when I did leave my towel on the bathroom floor, someone would have to pick it up.
And more often than not, that someone was her.
How could I be so blindly insensitive? This poor woman doesn't have time every single day to pick up my towel that I used to dry my body.
She has people to talk to with her unlimited calling plan on her cell phone. She's got TV shows to watch. She's got nails to polish.
Just who in the hell do I think I am expecting so much from someone who brings no money into our house but can spend it all within minutes?
Thank God she set me straight.
Thank God for my wife.
Thank God.
If I didn't have my wife, I would've never known that I was supposed to call my mother and tell her what a pain-in-the-ass she is and why couldn't she be more considerate of our feelings?
I mean, my feelings.
And while I didn't necessarily remember feeling angry toward my mother or feeling like she wasn't very considerate of my feelings, I thank God for my wife for helping me realize that I did have those feelings and that I needed to act upon them immediately by calling "your pain-in-the-ass mother."
I mean, my pain-in-the-ass mother.
Thank God for my wife.
If I didn't have her, I wouldn't know how to dress for my business meeting last week. And I wouldn't have known how I should act in my meeting. And I wouldn't have known that I shouldn't say anything really stupid in my meeting.
Thank God for my wife, y'know?
I have to tell you, I was this close to pulling out the clown suit with the big red fuzzy hair and oversized shoes and then starting my presentation like this:
"I think all of us from the ad agency are very excited to be given the opportunity to make this presentation to the Gonzalez Corporation. So anyway, these two Puerto Rican guys walk into a bar…."
Thank God she set me straight.
Thank God for my wife. Thank God.
Without her, I wouldn't have known that they were "my kids, too."
The thing was, until she told me this, I would spend a lot of time walking around the house looking at our kids, saying, "Hey, whose kids are you? And why are you in my house? Do your parents know you're here all the time? Shouldn't you go home?"
Now that I know they're mine, I feel so much better every time I see them in the house. Also, I don't feel so guilty giving them our food.
Thank God for my wife.
Without her, I wouldn't know how to properly shut a kitchen cupboard. "Not halfway, like a lazy son of a bitch," she would say.
Which, as usual, she was right about.
Because until she said something, I was a lazy son of a bitch when it came to properly shutting the kitchen cupboards. I never knew nor fully realized the importance of exerting enough force to properly shut a kitchen cupboard.
Thank God for my wife for explaining to me that "there's a right way to do things and a wrong way. And my way is the right way."
Thank God a kitchen cabinet will never be subjected to my half-assed-son-of-a-bitchedness again.
Thank God I know now.
Thank God for my wife.
Without her, I wouldn't know that I'm totally disgusting when I make that sound.
To think, all this time, I thought it was perfectly acceptable to make that sound that I make. Frankly, I had no idea how disgusting it was. And now that she's told me, I'm as disgusted by it as she was.
Thank God I know now.
Also, thank God she didn't smell it.
Thank God for my wife.
Without her, I wouldn't have known that her friend Mary Anne is a total bitch. And that her other friend Emma had an entire Mr. Hero sandwich for lunch. With chips. And that the woman across the street is cutting her hedges with curlers in her hair. And that the phone won't stop ringing. And that she's sick and tired of doing laundry.
Phew. What a relief.
Because on the way to work today, I was thinking, "Y'know, I wonder if Mary Anne is bitch. I wonder what Emma will have for lunch. I wonder if the woman across the street will cut her hedges with curlers in her hair. I wonder if the phone won't stop ringing today. And wonder if my wife will be sick and tired of doing laundry."
I was so worried about all of those things. I no longer have to worry about any of them.
Thank God for my wife.
If I didn't have her, I wouldn't know that all the hangers need to face the same way in the closet, as opposed to the horribly random and haphazard way I used to place them in there.
What was I thinking? How could I ever let that happen? Clearly, the symmetry of all the hangers facing the same direction does make an important statement about how we care about our home to anyone who happens to look in our closets and see the way our hangers are hanging.
And even though that's never happened, it might.
Thank God for my wife.
Without her, I wouldn't have known that the receipt I was looking for wasn't in the third drawer like she said it was.
In fact, when I searched the third drawer and couldn't find the receipt she said was in there, I thanked God for my wife again when she said to me, "Dammit, do I have to do everything for you? Can't you find anything?"
Because when my wife said that, she really made me realize that more often than not, I do rely on her cunning senses to find things when I should try to take my own responsibility.
And yet, even after I continued to look and couldn't find the receipt, and then she walked over and found the receipt not in the drawer like she said, but in the box behind the phone book next to the mail, I thanked God for my wife again.
Because even though she said the receipt was in the third drawer and I had spent 20 minutes looking for the receipt in the third drawer even though it was actually in the box behind the phone book next to the mail, I now understood that I shouldn't always take things she says so literally.
Thank God for my wife.
Thank God.
Without her, I wouldn't have known Alyssa Milano was pretty.
Until she said to me, "Gosh, that Alyssa Milano is pretty, isn't she?" I never really saw the difference between Alyssa Milano and Ethel Mertz.
But when she said that, I realized….my goodness, she's right. Alyssa Milano is an attractive woman.
Thank God for my wife.
Without her, I wouldn't have known that my hair looks like crap and my armpits smell and my teeth are too yellow.
Without her, I wouldn't know that if I don't shut the door to the garage, bugs will get in the house.
Without her, I wouldn't know that if I put my toothbrush in the drawer while it's still wet, the drawer will get wet, too.
Without her, I wouldn't know how to drive. Or when I should slow down. Or when the radio is too freaking loud.
Without her, I wouldn't know that I'm supposed to wipe the sink when I'm done.
Without her, I wouldn't know that watching sports on TV is a total waste of time.
Without her, I wouldn't know that I should clean my feet before I walk in the house.
Without her, I wouldn't know that while I make the money, she does everything else.
Without her, I wouldn't have known that I need to make more money.
Without her, I wouldn't know that every woman needs a new pair of black shoes.
Without her, I wouldn't know that I was lucky to be married to her.
Without her, I'd be nothing.
Without my wife, there's so much I wouldn't know.
It's a miracle that somehow, I managed to survive all those years without her.
Her broad range of understanding on a variety of topics never ceases to astound me.
Day in and day out, I continue to be amazed at the knowledge this woman possesses. And how much of it she's willing to share with me.
For that, I'm forever grateful.
Frankly, I still don't know how she does it. How she can instantly assess a situation and in a nanosecond, inform anyone -- mainly me -- as to the proper way to handle it.
What's even more remarkable is that she's always right, too.
And if you don't believe me, just ask her.
I feel so thankful to be witness to her higher level of comprehension. I've learned so much from her over the years.
Thank God for my wife.
She's changed my life. She's helped me see things in ways I never did.
Through her eyes.
All those years I spent doing whatever the hell I damn well felt like, with no regard or comprehension as to the right way to do them.
Her way.
Thank God for my wife.
When I think of her, I want to sing in the sunshine, smell the roses and talk to the animals.
If it wasn't for her, there's so much I wouldn't know.
She's made me the man I am today.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go ask her if it's okay that I'm done typing.
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