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If I could give this turd no stars, I would. Look, I accepted this disc because
Mr. Medsker had asked if I had heard of Mr. Joe, and I said yes. I am overly
familiar with the Fat from the most awesome PlayStation 2 game Def Jam Fight
For New York, in which Joey appears under his wack-ass moniker “Crack” and
attempts to beat your sorry ass down with the same annoying move where he pulls
your arms behind your back and then pile drives your skull. Listening to All
Or Nothing, I got a similar vibe. That I was being indirectly forced to take
Joe’s shit because I didn’t cold cock him in the nuts fast enough to dodge his
sweaty grasp.
Fat Joe wants nothing more than to be a bad ass, but will never achieve this
status because his raps are nothing more than the same old tired brag fests that
other MCs have been laying down for years. On top of that, he’s dissing Fiddy
Cent on “My Fofo” here, which seems moot by this point. Who the hell hasn’t
laid a verbal smack down on Mr. Cent? Even people I know who haven’t heard his
music are always walking down the street saying, “That Fiddy. He’s so wack.”
Granted, these are often 14-year-old well-to-do white kids who want to mack the
Escalade front, but my point is it’s that very group of teens who are supremely
tuned in to this nonsense.
Better than that, Mr. Crack Joe gets down with J-Lo (another ‘who hasn’t…?’
moment) on “Hold You Down.” Who needed the money more in this example? I’m
beginning to think that J-Lo has no shame. Of course, every movie she’s ever
starred in will bear this out. What is it with dancers who become pop acts?
First Paula Abdul, then J-Lo. But I digress. What really moves my stomach to
nausea is thinking about Joe and Lo in some kind of uber-romantic way. But if
Jennifer can’t cough up the booty in the end, perhaps Joe’s other collaborator
here, R. Kelly, can hook him up with some underage skeezers who are undoubtedly
taking cheeseball sexy headshots of themselves and sticking them all over
MySpace.
R. Kelly’s bad enough as it is, but when you mix him and Joe on “So Hot”, you
really have something worth killing yourself over. If you even make it that far,
that is. Other luminaries such as Mashonda and Nelly whore their talents out
here as well, probably in an embarrassed move to help Joe move some serious
units. Oh and did I mention Cool and Dre helping out on “Rock Ya Body”? Well,
let me just let Joe himself lay some of it on ya.
Yo, if Suge rapped how hard would it be
But he don’t, so the closest thing you got is me
Ain’t no damn near a rapper this loc’d as me
Cook Coke on top is how it’s s’posed to be, nigga!
Joe then does some more boasting and hoo-ha till he sweats again and loses all
inspiration. The great Randy Newman once remarked about working with the Eagles
on Little Criminals thusly: “You ever seen a fat kid try to swim around
in a pool?” Well that’s what listening to All Or Nothing is like. Joe
boasts about his mad skillz. He boasts about his murdering talents, yo. He
boasts about his women. Look, I’m just too old and above it to buy into the
fantasy of Joe bangin’ some hard-ass bitchez. Surely he knows they’re just
wasting their time with him ‘cause of his bling, right? Right?!
And just to show he’s f’real, Joe shows off a huge scar on the back of his neck
in one of the CD booklet’s photos. It looks like someone took a dull Ginsu knife
and tried to leave an impression on Joe. They succeeded. Trouble is, you’ll
remember Joe’s scar more than you ever will his tunes. But hey, he winds up
thanking God in the liners, much like everyone else does these days, calling Him
“the one and only true Don”. Now that’s muthafuckin’ wack-ass, G.
~Jason Thompson
jthompson@bullz-eye.com
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